How To Use Gentle Parenting During A Tantrum

Your child had another tantrum in the grocery store or when you were cutting up the snack they asked for and it’s on the wrong plate. It can seem like toddlers throw a fit over anything, doesn’t it? Young children, toddlers especially, don’t know how to express themselves and they definitely don’t understand their emotions. While their language skills are developed, they are not developed enough to express themselves. Luckily for you, tantrums are a completely normal part of development and it is not a direct reflection of you, nor a direct attack on you.

If you want an article more in depth on the science of their development, maybe you need a little extra support, or want some parenting resources, be sure to check out my full article: How To Handle Temper Tantrums + Gentle Discipline. This page is going to serve as a quick resource guide with a few simple steps to help minimize tantrums, boost your confidence as a parent, and supply you the courage to remain calm during these moment.

Did you see the picture at the beginning of this page? My daughter is actually throwing a tantrum because she wanted to go inside, but I had started building us an igloo and wanted to snap a quick picture. I knew it would be quick, all we had to do was say ‘cheese’ and go inside! She, on the other hand, couldn’t wait one more second to go inside so she screamed. But do you know what I did? I let her. I let her get all of her emotions out. Then when she was calm enough to talk, I named her feelings. Name it to tame it. I said “I can see you are feeling very frustrated. You really want to go inside right now, but I hurt your feelings by asking for a picture. I know you want to go inside, and we will I promise. Can we act like an animal for the picture? I want to roar like a lion!”

So what did I do?

I named her emotion, acknowledging I knew how she felt
I affirmed that she had every right to feel angry
I gave her control over the situation (and made it fun) by pretending in a way that she would enjoy.

Once you realize your toddler’s tantrum is not a direct attack on you, it becomes easier to model calming down behavior over time. Trust me, this process is not easy. But just like how you become better by practicing a hobby, practicing healthy ways of communicating with your toddler will become easier too. Overtime, you’ll have learned some go-to phrases to keep in your pocket and your toddler will even learn to calm down sooner too.

The prevention of a tantrum starts with you. Weird right? Let me tell you why! It is your job as a parent to focus on yourself. Are you making sure that you are well rested, have been fed, drinking adequate water, or taking time away from responsibilities to enjoy hobbies? Taking care of yourself first will allow you the patience and stability to remain calm when a stressful situation arises, such as a tantrum. If you can’t remain calm, that’s okay too! Just model how to calm down for your child whether it’s deep breathing exercises or removing yourself from the situation for five minutes then coming back to address the situation. However you react in those first few seconds of stress will teach your toddler how to react. The important thing is that you are not modeling poor behavior: shoving items, slamming doors, yelling. If you do happen to do those in the beginning, it is perfectly acceptable to apologize to your child. In fact, it is recommended! That will further model to them how to apologize when they mess up too.

We’ve remained calm, now what? Now we need to help teach our child how to calm their internal voice. We can do that by approaching with care and empathy. It helps to name their emotion first. This can be helpful for both children and adults because it activates the power of noticing, or self-reflection. By sharing what we are feeling, we are better able to contain and manage even the most difficult emotions.

Another way I love to think about this comes from the book No-Drama Discipline, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. The book discusses how when an experience is repeated over and over, it deepens and strengthens connections among neurons firing in the brain. If someone is spanking, shouting, or reacting harshly to the situation, those types of engagements will cause a child to activate what they describe as the ‘downstairs brain’, or the amygdala, which will cause the child to go into instinctual defenses, not learn how to control their emotions, among many other issues. Taking a moment to reflect on how the child is feeling, connect to them, and support them will engage their ‘upstairs brain’, thus making connections for them to be able to learn and change by themselves over time.

I will provide a list of alternative language choices below, but first I wanted to address hitting or other physical activity from the toddler. Let’s say your toddler is about to body slam themselves to the ground. It would be your job as a parent to grab them and potentially keep their body safe during the fall or remove them from the situation entirely (even if it makes your child more mad). If your child is hitting you and you are already reminding them to use gentle hands but they aren’t stopping, you can set boundaries by stating “I will not allow you to hit me”, “I am going to remove myself from this situation to keep myself safe”, or “I am going to remove you from this situation until we have both calmed down”.

We were able to remain calm and name our child’s emotion, now comes the connecting part. Let them know those emotions they are feeling can feel overwhelming, it’s okay to feel that way, you understand how they are feeling + “could you tell me more?” and figure out how to better the situation together. And that’s it! I know, ‘easier said than done’, but think about how much better you both will feel when you start to think about working together as a team to figure the issue out.

I hope these simple switches can help in your daily routine. If you are still feeling overwhelmed, check out my post: How To Handle Temper Tantrums + Gentle Discipline. And of course, feel free to reach out to me if you ever need advice or just someone to talk to.

Important things to note:

If your child is ‘ignoring you’, their growing brain may need more time to process. Give them time to process, then repeat what you’ve said.
If tantrums are frequent occurrences, are all of their needs being met? Do they feel as if they have control in their day?
Children are unable to manage their impulses + actions and are relying on you for help.
Don’t forget to model healthy boundary-setting.

What did your toddler throw a tantrum over today? Let’s leave a list in the comments to let other moms know they aren’t alone! I’ll go first!