10 Gentle Parenting Tips For Breaking Generational Patterns

Some families have a cycle of behaviors, thinking, and coping methods that were inherited from their parents, ancestors, and/or childhood environments to deal with actual or perceived trauma, this is the definition of generational patterns. Generational patterns are traits that you may associate with your family that aren’t really traits at all, but behaviors that may have been passed down. Or maybe your parents, or their parents, were beginning to break generational patterns and you are wanting to further their commitment to a healthy family life. Either way, some of these tips might be liberating to hear and I hope they prove useful to you.

1. Prioritize fun, play, and laughter

As we venture further into adulthood, life can become increasingly more stressful. With all the housework, work work, and societal expectations, how are we supposed to not be stressed? If we prioritize more fun, play, and laughter with our children, it is proven to reduce stress and solidify our bonds. Children who are raised in a home where laughter and silliness is encouraged are more likely to have positive outlooks on life and feel more confident. According to Rebecca Eanes in The Gift of a Happy Mother, this can be as simple as prioritizing 10 minutes a day. She goes through steps and ways we can begin to prioritize happiness and let go of societal ideals of perfection.

2. Encourage our children to talk about their feelings

The way someone is feeling is not a threat or direct reflection of you. Let me repeat that, the way your child is feeling is not a threat or direct reflection of you. Our children are their own entities with their own feelings and we have to learn to not take things personally and allow them their own safe space to feel their emotions. Allowing our children a safe space to express their emotions also build emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence aids in empathizing with others, communicating effectively, and be both self and socially aware. You can build their emotional intelligence by allowing them to express all emotions, provide a calm steady presence throughout big emotions, teach them how to identify their emotion before it can be worked through, model empathy, reflect and consider the feelings, practice different coping strategies together.

3. Learn to humble yourself and apologize to your children when you’re wrong

We are human and make mistakes all the time. As parents, we need to be told more often to aim for connection instead of perfection. Some days we will get it wrong and we will need to be able to let go of the weight of guilt and accept our child’s forgiveness. Apologies can be hard, especially in a society that tells us we need to always be right. But here’s an easy four steps to follow:

I’m sorry for…

This is wrong because…

In the future, I will…

Will you forgive me?

I think there are a couple other points to make here, however. Don’t apologize and then say “but, you were…” This adds excuses and guilt into the mix, you are the grown up and have the authority to manage your own feelings and situations. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That phrase is distancing and does not emphasize that you are there to support them. It instead tells them that they are too sensitive, abdicates responsibility, and denies their feelings. If you still need a few more examples of wrong ways to apologize with examples on how to fix them, this is an amazing article: 3 Wrong Ways to Say We’re Sorry

4. Model the behaviors and traits you want them to learn

Kids repeat what they hear, and they imitate what they see. That’s why Gentle Parenting is so crucial to development here, because we have to become aware and in tune with ourselves, how we react, what may trigger us, and how to show our children important values and responsibilities by modeling. I mean think about it, if you are pushing in a chair, slamming the door, yelling, or hitting when you get mad, what kind of message does that show our children? This even goes as far as the subtle things you may be doing. Do you gossip about people behind their backs? Make negative comments. Or, do you sneak treats after telling your kids no? Be the adult you want your children to be. Don’t strive to be perfect, we are all human! But that is when the other tips on this page would come to benefit you too.

5. Allow your kids to witness you through your own emotions and explain your feelings to them

Previous generations were under the impression that we (parents) needed to hide our emotions to look strong for our children. That is so far from the truth in so many ways. Studies have proven that suppressing emotions actually endanger your health and well-being, both physically and psychologically. It can actually affect blood pressure, memory, stress, and self-esteem. But that’s not all! When we hide our emotions for our children, we are actually causing them more distress as well. So if it isn’t beneficial for both parties, why do we do it?

It’s completely understandable to want to protect your child from the messiness that you might be going through as an adult. However, new research has found that parents who ‘try to be perfect’ for their children risk lower authenticity, poorer relationships with their children, and reduced responsiveness to their children. Our children need to see us being okay with our own messy feelings because it gives them permission to do the same. Letting them see that we feel difficult feelings too sometimes, we are okay with that and so in tune with ourselves, and model to them how to manage those difficult emotions will help them to expand their own emotional intelligence and allow our children to thrive.

6. Spend time with your children doing things they like

From birth, our children need experiences and relationships that show them they’re valued human beings who bring joy to others. Throughout the day, you should be experiencing random acts of positive attention, reactions, and responses towards your child to build a picture of how valued they are. It’s been shown that at least 8 positive attention acts will reduce temper tantrums and outbreaks. That may seem like a lot, but it doesn’t have to be! It can be as simple as:

A Smile
Squeezing/holding hands
Tell them how much you love something (pointing out behaviors you love will lessen behaviors we don’t want to see!)
Give a hug
High five
Let them choose a meal/snack
Hand on their head/back/shoulder
Eye contact
Tell them you’re thankful for them
Have a conversation
Tell them you matter
Allow them to help you throughout the day
Tell them they are important
Spend at least 15 minutes of undivided attention

Giving a daily dose of ‘time in’, or 15 minutes of play with your child, can reduce the need for ‘time outs’ or tantrums. So for only 15 minutes of your day at least, say “yes, I would love to do… with you,” turn the TV off, put the phone away, pause the chores and never ending to-do list and just be mindfully present with your child. Spend your time just playing and just listening, don’t use this time to quiz your child or test their knowledge. Show interest in what you are doing through positive conversation or express gratitude for what they are doing/have done. Ask follow-up questions! These questions will not only make your child aware about the fact that you’re interested in knowing more, but will also give your child the confidence to do so in the future.

7. Teach your children healthy ways to cope with triggers

The first step to teaching our children healthy coping ways is to help your child recognize their emotions. There’s a very powerful phrase for toddlers that says “name it to tame it.” “I can tell you’re feeling…” insert the feeling into that phrase (negative and positive emotions alike). By identifying your child’s emotion, your child will become familiar with its title and the feelings that match it. Once your child is able to tell you what they are feeling, you can then help them understand why they may feel this way. Identify the triggers, or causes, of an emotion can be difficult for your child. It is important to keep the lines of communication open, encourage them to be open and honest with you and themselves, and always prioritize listening and connection.

Now that we’ve named our emotions and we can identify triggers, we can work on coping methods. Being able to know when to take a break, ask for help from an adult, or taking deep breaths are advanced methods but practice with an adult can set them up for success. Whether you are able to make a quiet, ‘time-in’, corner in your house, or find a quiet calm down corner where you are, being able to take a break and get some space to re-center can do amazing things for children. Remember, we are trying to set our kids up for successful emotional intelligence in their adult years. This type of awareness doesn’t come naturally, and many adults still have difficult times with it. But as long as you keep an open mind, gentle approach, and prioritize listening and communication, you and your child will form healthier connections over time.

8. Have the hard conversations with your kids, they understand more than you know

I don’t mean that you need to go and tell them all the gory details about worse-case scenarios. But I do encourage you to find age appropriate ways to talk about even the most difficult things because our children understand more than we think they do. Addressing these tougher topics makes our children feel safer, strengthens our bonds, and teaches them about the world. But when you show them how to gather and interpret information, ask questions, and cross-check sources, now they are becoming critical thinkers! It can be sad to confront the tough issues, but through investing in our children with knowledge and understanding, we can give them so many important skills for the future. If you need help identifying how to talk to your child in an age appropriate manner, the Common Sense media has an amazing guideline breaking it down by years!

9. Let go of the need to be right and allow your kids to correct you

When we think about a healthy family life, we need to think about it as a dance. In a dance, only one person can lead at a time. So if both the parent and the child are trying to lead in the dance, maybe we need to step back and assess the situation. There are going to be situations where we lose our cool, and our child will call us out on it if we are doing things right (my daughter is able to tell me when I need to take a deep breath at 2.5 years old!). If your child is correct, simply thank them for the correction, correct your mistake, and demonstrate how to calmly and politely take constructive criticism. If this is about something factual, maybe keep the discussion open with questions like “how did you come to that conclusion?” or “I wasn’t aware of that, maybe we can look it up together to learn more?”

10. See conflict as a gateway to connection and growth

The most important thing you can remember as a parent, is that conflict is the gateway to connection. So often, we experience conflict as a 'right vs. wrong’ argument. However, conflict is the opportunity to find ways to better your relationship. If you can remember that conflict isn’t a right vs. wrong argument, nor is it a power struggle, but instead a means to grow in love and understanding, you can achieve deeper levels of connection with your children.