How To Start Gentle Parenting Now & Resources To Help You
In this article, we are going to discuss what even is Gentle Parenting, how to become a gentle parent, and is it even worth it? I will walk through what it is, and what it is not… Gentle parenting is not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of internal work, patience, and practice. Due to the nature of gentle parenting, I’ve included a myriad of resources at the end of this article. You can find accounts to follow, authors to read, or quick videos to watch.
Watch: Gentle Parenting | 5 Things To Start Now
But, What is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle Parenting is a parenting approach that uses the knowledge of child development and encourages a partnership between you and your child. In doing so, you build your child’s confidence to make choices on an internal willingness rather than external pressures. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all do that? If we could all make our own decisions based on our inner-self and not based on external pressures, peer pressure, or other forms. Let’s take a mindful moment: Do you have any external pressures that you struggle with?
External pressures come from external sources: messages from coaches, parents, teammates, the media, financial stances. These can lead to internal pressures later in life, leaving the child carrying high expectations for themselves, fear of failure, fear of disappointment. If you want to learn more about dealing with these, I highly recommend the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz. Discovering your own external/internal pressures may help bring these concepts into perspective for your own child. We all want to be the best parents we can be and raise our children to be respectful, empathetic, emotionally intelligent, and independent children. Essentially, gentle parenting is modeling the behavior that you want your child to mirror and exhibit through their life.
By being a gentle parent, we are creating a safe space where our children can openly be themselves and embody their emotions, with no fear of being chastised or ridiculed. They feel willing to be their true selves with you and the world in any form that may come. To achieve this, our children need consistency, boundaries, and positive discipline that is based on development. It can be difficult to be assertive for some, or even towards a crying child, but it is important for your health and for your child’s development to model boundary setting.
Related: 10 Gentle Parenting Tips For Breaking Generational Patterns
Gentle Parenting should not be confused with permissive parenting, where the parent pacifies their child’s demands, appeasing their negative behavior, and avoiding conflict as much as possible such as never saying “No”. What I mean by setting boundaries is not letting your children walk all over you. Instead, Gentle Parenting is building connection through conflict. It means that you allow your child to have their emotion/tantrum, add a little trick called ‘name it to tame it’, and all parties learn how to process their feelings.
Another misconception is that punishment and reward systems help a child learn how to ‘properly’ behave, but the truth is they just need love, support, and sometimes redirection. Being a conscious parent is NOT EASY or realistic 100% of the time. Gentle parenting is full of inner work, connecting with your child, letting go of the idea of ‘controlling’ them, and unlearning that parenting is about commanding respect. Our children only want to be able to truly be themselves and make their own decisions (hence the independent twos).
Tantrums & Discipline
Just as my Toddler Tantrums post doesn’t make tantrums go away, gentle parenting will not be an instant solution for making certain behaviors and habits go away. However in the long term, it will help them grow and develop into adults who feel confident and are full of empathy. Gentle Parenting allows children to truly feel empathetic, compassionate, be more responsive, and both the children and parents will come to understand and learn how to self-regulate their emotions on a healthy level. In time, you both will feel more secure in who you are and connected to your core, not only mentally and emotionally but on a physical level as well.
Related: How to handle temper tantrums
During tantrums and discipline, emotions can heighten. But allowing time for both parties to cool down and come from a place of understanding and empathy will promote proper brain development and emotional regulation. In the book No-Drama Discipline, by Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, they refer to this experience as activating a child’s ‘upstairs brain’, instead of activating the ‘downstairs brain’ that is based on instinctual defense (activating survival mode). When your child, or you, have a meltdown, it can feel overwhelming at times (I know, I’ve been there MANY times with our strong-willed daughter), but take comfort in knowing that the effort and sacrifices you are making now will be monumentally worthwhile.
Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to gentle parenting & gentle discipline. It will all be based on context; however, once you get the rhythm down, have a couple of go-to phrases in your pocket, and learn to lead with compassion, it will become easier. When you both graduate from gentle parenting, you can rest assured that you made your child feel loved, heard, and know they can regulate their life on their own with healthy communication skills already in hand. They will be able to follow their own rules rather than needing constant instruction or influence from others.
Related: What to say to your child during a tantrum
Genting Parenting is certainly not easy. Like I said before, it takes work. It takes practice. It takes patience. It also takes the ability to humble yourself and apologize to your children if you need to. Everyone is human and sometimes we slip. In those moments, I tell my daughter that “I think we both need a moment to calm down. Let’s take a break and come back in a few minutes, okay?” After we both have calmed down, I am always the first to apologize so I model what that looks like to her and so she knows it is okay to apologize and/or admit that I was wrong.
My child isn’t my easel to paint on nor my diamond to polish. My child isn’t my trophy to share with the world nor my badge of honor. My child isn’t an idea, an expectation, or a fantasy nor my reflection or legacy. My child isn’t my puppet or a project nor my striving or desire. My child is here to fumble, stumble, try, and cry learn and mess up, fail and try again, listen to the beat of a drum faint to our adult ears, and dance to a song that revels in freedom. My task is to step aside, stay in infinite possibility, heal my own wounds, fill my own bucket, and let my child fly.
- Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will
Quick Tips to keep handy
Allow all feelings, remember to truly listen, and focus on making connections.
When your child is expressing an emotion, allow them to fully feel that emotion. Don’t belittle or negate their emotions, or attempt to distract them through treats
ex. Try “Mommy/daddy are right here.”, instead of “It’s not that bad.”
If your child is behaving ‘poorly’, ask yourself “Is there an unmet need?” Are they tired, hungry, and receiving enough one-on-one time?
Encourage more choices and limit commands. Limits can also be negotiated. This is best for situations with boundaries that aren’t firm.
ex. “It’s time to leave. Would you like to run or skip to the car?”
ex. The child’s electronic time is nearing it’s end, but they want to watch one more episode. Negotiations can be made here if watching one more episode doesn’t harm either party member.
Establish mutual trust and respect. Have faith that your child will come to you when they need you without having to worry about being shamed or punished.
Your relationship with your child is just like any other relationship. Include them in decision making, and never do anything that you wouldn’t do to another adult.
Think of parenting like a dance. You both are moving in the same rhythm and although you are in the lead, it is not forced. There is a flow, and you both can take a turn leading, like when your child is following an entirely different tune.
Learning consent starts young. Teach your child to listen to their body and say no when they do not want to be touched. As the parent, respect and protect your child’s decisions.
ex. “Would you like to say goodbye with hugs, kisses, or high-fives today?”
ex. “You don’t have to give your aunt a hug today if you don’t want to.”
Promote learning through recreation. Taking learning outside is an great way to do this.
In addition, allow for risky play and natural consequences. We cannot always be there for our children, and some things are best learned by themselves.
Last but not least, be the model for your child. Surround yourself with like-minded parents and have your family learn how to properly model for your children.
A Few Resources:
Below is a list of all of my favorite resources. I have actually created a huge running list and turned it into a free resource for you all! You can find that down below.
Youtube
A mama living in Hawai’i, homeschooling, and all about yummy vegan eats. She is one of my favorite youtubers that introduced me to the idea of gentle parenting.
An incredible mama with TONS of amazing videos and personal experiences.
A mom of 2 under the age of two (at the time of this post) and shares her personal experiences and educational resources that she learned from her Child Development courses during her undergraduate.
Dr. Jazmine is a parenting coach helping parents feel more confident and connect to their kids in a deeper and meaningful way. She posts weekly videos giving her best tips, strategies, and mindset tips.
Websites
What really is gentle parenting?
Gentle Parenting vs Mainstream Parenting
Janet Lansbury “Respectful Parenting Basics”
Child’s Prefrontal Cortex Development
Punishment vs Natural Consequences
Books
These are just a few of my favorite books that I’ve read, among other resources. But as I’ve previously mentioned, you can find a whole list in the free gentle parenting guide I’ve made for you all.
Daniel J. Siegel is a neuropsychiatrist and Tiana Payne Bryson is a parenting expert. Both come together to write this book that demystifies meltdown and a child’s big emotions. It explains the science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. Through applying the science of these discoveries to everyday parenting, we can transform outbursts, arguments, or even fear into chances to connect and foster development.
Full of practical strategies to break free from ‘reactive parenting’ habits and raise kind, cooperative, and confident kids.
Goes back to defining the true meaning of discipline (instruction, not shouting or reprimanding). Full of explaining how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn opportunities into growth.
Get back into the authentic roots of family happiness and forget the pursuit of happiness through high-stress modern parenting.
Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul
Making the science of play and its essential role fascinating!
A dive into the way children naturally learn to talk, read, count, and to reason, and how we can nurture and encourage these natural abilities in our children.
How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen
Learn how to cope with your child’s negative feelings, express strong feelings without being hurtful, engage your child’s willing cooperation, set firm limits, use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline, understand helpful praise, and ways to manage and resolve family conflicts in this book that teaches how to effectively communicate with your child.
I just finished the audio book version of Dr. Shefali’s The Awakened Family and it was FULL of examples and relatable events. This books shows you how to become a fully present and conscious parent and individual.
How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids
Okay this one isn’t strictly a parenting book, but I thought it was appropriate here. This book expresses the often taboo subject of parenthood: the startling anger new (and not so new) mothers have for partners. I know many expecting parents spend weeks researching the best items for their baby, but many forget to research and plan for the fourth trimester (I was a victim of this too). Dunn discusses how her and her husband discovered how to work together post-baby without hating each other with actionable and achievable advice.
Instagram Accounts to Follow
Parenting resource providing materials to promote a growth mindset for parents, children, and teens.
Parenting coach, Kristin, and Child Therapist, Deena, started Big Little Feelings to serve parenting with ample resources they would need not only to survive the toddler years, but to thrive! You can find free guides and courses for anything you may need.
A conscious and gentle parenting mama who provides parenting support, inspiration, bounding, and humor to lighten the load of parenthood.
Bryana gives you the freedom you need to have better boundaries, lessen triggers, heal your past wounds, and let go of the idea of control.
Jenny is a parenting journalist who discusses conscious parenting and connecting with our children.
Pediatrician, Dr. Cathryn makes colorful graphics to help parents become the parent every kid wants, provides useful strategies, and makes other products and courses.
A positive dad sharing his perspective on parenting, positivity, motivation, and validation.
Dilshad is a gentle parenting activist sharing tips, quotes, and graphics. She promotes mindfulness, gentle parenting resources, and talking about big feelings.
Did I miss anything? Do you have any resources you would like to share with our community? Or maybe some lessons and examples to share? Let me know in the comments below!