How To Handle Temper Tantrums & Discipline: Gentle Parenting Toddlers
Things to note: I’m not an expert in child development. I’m just an incredibly passionate mother and teacher who has been learning about child development through college and in my current parenting journey. This is a list of resources that I have compiled over the years, read/listen to, and have found helpful for us! This also isn’t an over night experience. You will not be a perfectly gentle parent every day and they aren’t simple changes. This parenting style is a conscious decision every day and it will take time, self-discipline, and awareness. But as you practice, become more calm, and less anxious in general, you will see how life-changing gentle parenting can be for your soul as a parent, person, and a friend.
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What is Gentle Discipline?
Discipline is the practice of teaching and learning to obey a certain rule of code of behavior. It is an essential part of raising happy and successful kids, but it is not through current conventional approaches. The current forms of ‘punishment’ provoke fear, frustration, resentment, power struggles, and shame in children which can lead to developmental and relationship issues. The latest research in child development, psychology, and neuroscience show evidence that connection-based techniques bring parents and kids closer together and set children up for success. Instead of thinking about how to discipline, gentle parent, or any other phrase, let’s change our mindset to coaching.
From the moment your child is born, you are coaching them, and they are learning. Discipline starts as early as birth! As mind boggling as that can seem, I promise you are the best teacher and parent for your child. The simplest way to coach your child from birth is to model the correct behavior and what you would like to see from your child. Each time you go to pick up your baby and sooth them when they cry, you are coaching your baby on how to sooth themselves. Each time your toddler get upset and frustrated, you are coaching them how to manage their own emotions. This means modeling how to cool down or take a moment to breath even when you are angry, using your manners, watching your word choice, and so forth.
The three key words for success are: control, acknowledgment, and affirmation. Your child wants to feel some form of control (which I go further into under the Tantrums section). They also want acknowledgment that you hear/see how they are feeling. Finally, affirm their feelings through connection. Another key phrase for success: connect before you correct.
Example: “I see you are feeling angry. It must really hurt your feelings that your sister doesn’t want to play, and it is not okay to hit.”
Note - ‘and’ is very important in this sentence structure because if you were to have added ‘but’, you would then be negating everything you said before that word.
Another thing you can do is to repeat yourself with proper time for processing in between. Toddlers take longer to process information and may need the repetition before they finally let go of whatever was on their mind before and move onto what you are asking of them. As I mentioned earlier, our goal as a parent isn’t to stop tantrums from happening all together, but instead to give them the necessary skills to cope. Giving them alternative ways to use their words (or hands - we taught our daughter sign language so she could begin communicating as early as 6 months of age) so that your child can begin to say ‘yes’ more frequently and eliminate ways for either of you to say ‘no’.
When a tantrum has begun, be sure to take your child away from the stimulation. Get them to a quiet, safe space, get down to their level, and make eye contact. I like to model breathing exercises while I am waiting for our daughter to calm down before we start the conversation. I also like to let her know she is safe and then I like to name her emotion. By naming the emotion you can help tame the tantrum, aka name it to tame it.
Lastly, don’t forget about consequences. They can be both good and bad and happen all throughout the day. If your child is doing something that may harm them, be sure to give a firm warming using communication. Such warnings can be: “sit on your bottom in the chair please”, “if you do not sit on your bottom I will come remove you from the chair”, if you had to follow through and remove your child “it was not safe for you to stand on the chair, you could have fallen and gotten hurt.” By removing your child from the seat, you are following through and showing your boundary. You are also implementing a natural consequence. If the child will not sit on the chair, then they don’t get to be on the chair. With some repetition of these natural consequences and boundaries, your child will learn overtime about your rules and safety. Never give an empty threat. This action will give your children mixed boundaries and signals and they will never know how to react in certain situations. If you give empty threats, then it will take much longer for a child to learn the rules of the house because the boundaries aren’t always consistent.
A few things to avoid:
“why did you do that” implies that there is a right vs. a wrong. Instead ask “what happened” - this also works in other relationships as well!
“it makes me sad when…” It is not our child’s responsibility to make us feel a certain way, and such phrases will cause our children to be people pleasers.
Labels (good/bad/big/brat)
Spanking/yelling/physical threats
Pointing/talking from your height, get down to your child’s level and make eye contact (my daughter and I like to sit on the floor and hold hands, this let’s us both know that we are listening to the other).
Empty threats
Related: How To Be A Gentle Parent
watch the first video to my parenting series
Temper Tantrums
I’m going to say something that sucks here… tantrums are 100% normal and important for development. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear. But think about it, adults have tantrums too, don’t they? Have you ever witnessed someone freak out, get frustrated, or get mad. Our adult tantrums might not look exactly the same, but they are still there. The difference is that most of us has learned how to deal with our tantrums, while toddlers have no idea how to.
Prevention
Let’s talk prevention! Tantrums are not 100% avoidable, but there are a few things you can put in place that will help limit them while teaching your children independence and how to control their own emotions. First, let’s start out by eliminating any descriptor words (especially the negative ones) you may have been using in the past. There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ child, a ‘brat’, they are not being ‘dramatic’, nor are they ‘bossy’. Labelling your child negatively shatters their self-worth and motivates them to continue to be like that. It is an inappropriate way to talk to your child and it devastates their psychological needs. Another form of labeling that I am quite passionate about is the label ‘big kid’. Using this label causes your child to think they can only do certain things when they are ‘big’, it takes them out of the present moment, and makes them long to be big since that is when they can start to do ‘fun’ things. Labels make our children comparative in general and are just best to be avoided.
Speaking of psychological needs, are all of their needs being met? At the time of the tantrum, pause and think: are they tired? are they hungry? are they overstimulated? If the answer is yes to any of those, then I think a cool down needs to be implemented, and I will tell you how in a second. Then, put yourself in your kids shoes. How would you feel in this given moment?
Communication
Now lets discuss communication. Kids have the language capability to understand what you are saying. If you’ve read/watched my previous postings, then you know how I’ve talked about children’s language development before. Kids can comprehend language long before they are able to produce it themselves. So there is no need to simplify your vocabulary for them, they will understand perfectly fine. But, kids also want to feel like they have some control in the situation as well. So if your child is having a tantrum because it is bed time, try having them lead the way through the routine instead. "Would you like to put on your pjs or brush your teeth first?” If they are throwing a tantrum because it is time to leave and they don’t want to: “Mom and dad are leaving to go to the store, do you want to come with us?” or “It’s time to run to the store, would you like to pick out your shoes?” Giving your children control of the situation through options can help them feel independent, like they are making their own decisions, and minimize tantrums.
Independence
Another form of independence would be to make stations at their height for routine things, such as leaving snacks, plates, cups, and bowls in a drawer or cupboard at toddler level, setting up a bathroom station at their level, and so forth. Implementing these Montessori practices not only give children the independence they need, but it sets them up for success in the future as well.
Timers are a good tool to utilize as well. Anytime there will be a schedule change, you can say that you are setting a timer for 15 minutes and when the timer goes off, we have to leave. I would then proceed to give a 5 minute warning before the timer goes off as well. Now let’s put this practice into perspective so you can understand why it is important. Let’s say you are working on a big project and all of a sudden someone comes in the room and says it’s time to go. This forces you to drop everything you are doing, possibly not finishing your work. How would that make you feel? For children, playing is work. It is how they are building skills and discovering theories. So just like you need a timer to help wrap thoughts and concepts up, children need timers too. This post is a really good resource for the concept of the timer, different examples to use it, and how to facilitate it!
Attention
Lastly, let’s talk attention. A good rule of thumb for preventing negative behavior is to be sure you (the parent or guardian) are providing 8 positive interactions throughout the day. I’m sure this sounds like a lot, but small interactions throughout the day will quickly check off the list. Small interactions can be as simple as: a wink, a hug, sharing a laugh, a high five, a smile, a dance, a story, a service, a kiss, a compliment, listening, safe touch, praise, and so many more. Giving more positive interactions throughout the day will turn your home into a safe space for your children to thrive on unconditional love. Children also need 15-20 minutes of undivided attention a day. This means putting your devices away, making eye contact, playing and doing whatever activity your child would like to do. Negative attention is still attention, so if that is the only attention you are giving your child throughout the day, they will be more likely to act up to obtain that attention.
Another question is, are they bored? I am a firm believer in letting your children be bored, to an extent. My daughter tends to get a little destructive when she’s bored and tired. To help with this, we like to rotate our toys, set up an independent activity like sensory play, pull out an arts and crafts project, or head outside.
Basic Overviews:
Many of these ideas come from the books, websites, and sources all listed below, and I have summarized many points here for you
Discipline happens all day through learning consequences, it is not physical punishment.
Don’t try to add a label to your child. Kids are not ‘brats’, ‘dramatic’, ‘bossy’, nor ‘bad’. They are simply kids attempting to learn about how to function in our world.
When an issue arises, you should always ask yourself: are all of their basic needs being met? Are they tired, hungry, or over stimulated? How can you help them?
Dr. Shefali says parenting is like a dance, include them in decision making, and never do anything that you wouldn’t do to another adult. Your relationship with your child is just like any other relationship and your child deserves respect just as much as you do.
Children want to feel empowered, so try to provide set options instead of making demands. This can even be in the form of “We have to go to the store today, would you rather wear x pants or y pants today”.
The hardest tip is going to be to allow things to happen naturally. Children need to learn both negative and positive consequences for themselves through play, interaction, and challenges (even if they fall).
Encourage learning through their independent play times. Just like we, adults, have to work throughout the day. Children also have work, in the form of play. That is how they learn the various needs of development.
Actively listen to your child and be physically present. Children need to learn how to monitor and control their own emotions in order to have a healthy relationship with emotions in adulthood. But they also want to have independent time with you and feel seen.
Healthy communication. Whether you or your child is expressing an emotion, try to help them through it rather than dismissing it. Similarly, if you are having a big emotion, walk them through how you are feeling (they will listen, I promise!)
If you are having a big emotion, it’s best to announce to all parties that you are feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break. You don’t have to react within the first 5 seconds. You want to model what you expect from your children (so if you are slamming doors and yelling, your child will likely too).
When situations with boundaries that aren’t firm, allow negotiations. The art of negotiation or debate is a very healthy communication form that children should also learn. (For example, the child’s electronic time is nearing it’s end, but they want to watch one more episode. Negotiations can be made here if watching one more episode doesn’t harm either party member).
Body autonomy. Learning to say ‘no’ starts at a young age and it’s very important we teach our children to listen to their bodies. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to teach your children proper names & behavior around personal boundaries, but also to respect your own child’s boundaries (would you like to give everyone a hug and kiss before we leave grandma’s house?).
A Few Resources:
Below is a list of all of my favorite resources. I have actually created a huge running list and turned it into a free resource for you all! You can find that down below.
Youtube
A mama living in Hawai’i, homeschooling, and all about yummy vegan eats. She is one of my favorite youtubers that introduced me to the idea of gentle parenting.
An incredible mama with TONS of amazing videos and personal experiences.
Dr. Jazmine is a parenting coach helping parents feel more confident and connect to their kids in a deeper and meaningful way. She posts weekly videos giving her best tips, strategies, and mindset tips.
Websites
What really is gentle parenting?
Gentle Parenting vs Mainstream Parenting
Janet Lansbury “Respectful Parenting Basics”
Child’s Prefrontal Cortex Development
Punishment vs Natural Consequences
Books
These are just a few of my favorite books that I’ve read, among other resources. But as I’ve previously mentioned, you can find a whole list in the free gentle parenting guide I’ve made for you all.
Daniel J. Siegel is a neuropsychiatrist and Tiana Payne Bryson is a parenting expert. Both come together to write this book that demystifies meltdown and a child’s big emotions. It explains the science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. Through applying the science of these discoveries to everyday parenting, we can transform outbursts, arguments, or even fear into chances to connect and foster development.
Full of practical strategies to break free from ‘reactive parenting’ habits and raise kind, cooperative, and confident kids.
Goes back to defining the true meaning of discipline (instruction, not shouting or reprimanding). Full of explaining how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn opportunities into growth.
Get back into the authentic roots of family happiness and forget the pursuit of happiness through high-stress modern parenting.
Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul
Making the science of play and its essential role fascinating!
A dive into the way children naturally learn to talk, read, count, and to reason, and how we can nurture and encourage these natural abilities in our children.
How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen
Learn how to cope with your child’s negative feelings, express strong feelings without being hurtful, engage your child’s willing cooperation, set firm limits, use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline, understand helpful praise, and ways to manage and resolve family conflicts in this book that teaches how to effectively communicate with your child.
I just finished the audio book version of Dr. Shefali’s The Awakened Family and it was FULL of examples and relatable events. This books shows you how to become a fully present and conscious parent and individual.
How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids
Okay this one isn’t strictly a parenting book, but I thought it was appropriate here. This book expresses the often taboo subject of parenthood: the startling anger new (and not so new) mothers have for partners. I know many expecting parents spend weeks researching the best items for their baby, but many forget to research and plan for the fourth trimester (I was a victim of this too). Dunn discusses how her and her husband discovered how to work together post-baby without hating each other with actionable and achievable advice.
Podcasts
Conscious Parenting For Confident & Successful Kids
Gentle Catholic Parenting Podcast
Oh Crap I Love My Toddler… But Holy F*ck
Instagram Accounts to Follow
Parenting resource providing materials to promote a growth mindset for parents, children, and teens.
Parenting coach, Kristin, and Child Therapist, Deena, started Big Little Feelings to serve parenting with ample resources they would need not only to survive the toddler years, but to thrive! You can find free guides and courses for anything you may need.
A conscious and gentle parenting mama who provides parenting support, inspiration, bounding, and humor to lighten the load of parenthood.
Bryana gives you the freedom you need to have better boundaries, lessen triggers, heal your past wounds, and let go of the idea of control.
Jenny is a parenting journalist who discusses conscious parenting and connecting with our children.
Pediatrician, Dr. Cathryn makes colorful graphics to help parents become the parent every kid wants, provides useful strategies, and makes other products and courses.
A positive dad sharing his perspective on parenting, positivity, motivation, and validation.
Dilshad is a gentle parenting activist sharing tips, quotes, and graphics. She promotes mindfulness, gentle parenting resources, and talking about big feelings.
Did I miss anything? What is your favorite gentle discipline technique? Let’s share some in the comments to help other parents out!