The Realities of Grieving After Miscarriage

There’s so many things they don’t tell you about miscarriage, and so many societal misconceptions. Due to cultural stigma and lack of awareness, many struggle in silence despite how common it is. Like grieving. Why do we get weeks off of work after birthing a child, yet have to return to work almost immediately after losing one. That’s something that has been normalized that is not healthy emotionally or physically.

Grief isn’t linear

Some people will be able to navigate miscarriage freely, while others may feel deeply at the loss. This can even differ depending on how long they may have been pregnant. There’s no guide book to ‘get over it’ or to learn how to navigate the new you. It will come in waves, and over times the waves may get smaller but the tide never goes away.

You will have a significant shift in hormones

Your body birthed this baby, and anytime a body changes from pregnant to not pregnant there will be a significant shift in hormones. These hormones could take weeks to months to level back out again and can very much affect brain chemistry. No one prepares you for the hormone crash you will have, and it can even feel endless. The best thing to do is to ride those waves and allow yourself to feel those feelings. If they start to feel overwhelming or uncontrollable, it may be time to seek special guidance.

You can feel pain + joy at the same time

These two emotions can co-exist during grief, that’s the reality of it. Sitting with both is and will be difficult in our western culture. We like things to feel more comfortable, understandable, or streamlined, we don’t like feeling or helping others through the uncomfortable. It can feel easier to make sense of emotions and feelings when they aren’t all messy, but grief is messy. I can enjoy my time with my toddler while morning the would-be of our second child, I can feel joy watching her learn something new or play with toys together while morning that it would have been us three, and I can certainly feel joy in watching others accomplishments while morning what I had hoped would be one for us. I’m thankful for all these precious moments and being surrounded by people who make me feel safe to feel both at the same time.

Avoid situations or people you know will be difficult

But that leads me to my next thought: avoid those people who won’t make you feel safe, who will be difficult, or situations you know will be difficult. For me, that looked like keeping my phone in another room and focusing on myself and my family. I couldn’t bear to see other women pregnant or family announcing their pregnancies without feeling rage, so I kept my phone away. I felt confident enough in myself and my body, but I knew one insensitive comment from someone could potentially rock the boat for me. So I didn’t want to talk to anyone until I was fully able to control my emotions and my hormones were a little more level.

Now this is not isolating. It can feel like you want to withdraw from everyone and hide, but that will only make things worse. Instead, find your support village or the ones you can lean on most. I reached out to a few individuals immediately afterwards because I knew they would allow me to talk and get all my feelings out without judgement. I surrounded myself with our daughter’s playgroup to help give her some attention and so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

There is no set time for healing, nor can it be rushed

There is no set timeline for healing. It doesn’t just happen in a matter of days or weeks. It can take even longer if you choose to suppress your emotions or refuse to acknowledge it. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and take as much time as you need. As we already discussed, grief isn’t linear and it will take time.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting

Just because you can think about it without crying or you are able to feel fully happy, that doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten. You don’t need to forget to heal. Some find joy in creating an object so they never forget, such as planting a tree, getting memorabilia, putting their items in a shadowbox. Recovering means your grief is finding a place in your heart, it is not forgetting.